trentspeaks

2003-12-15T18:22:00.000-06:00

When dealing with the heart muscle, are there some cramps we can never work out?

My vacation from school had started out with a slumber rather than a bang. For forty-eight hours I had forgone the trappings of designer chic for comfortable pajamas, turned off my phone, survived on homemade macaroni and cheese and the food network. A note, eating while watching the food network is almost as thrilling as having sex while watching porn. My hibernation ended Saturday, but instead of regretting the missed opportunities, I felt refreshed.
Meanwhile, across town a bridal shower was being attended, sparsely, to say the least. Is it a sad testament to friendships forgotten or pushed aside for more important things or the increasing divide that separates those of us that feel the need to get married as soon as possible and those of us willing to try it alone and find ourselves first. One shower attendee with an ongoing engagement sat and pondered if her shower would have an equally dismal showing of support when she finally set a date. Breanne wasn’t sure if her friends would be equally ambivalent to her excitement over her wedding, or was it just the weather that had rained on this bridal parade?
Further north up the interstate another type of party was well underway. The day had come, graduation day. Martin’s mother was busy hosting, as she tends to do, while others were gleefully imbibing in the bounty of free champagne and cocktails. Martin was happy and he deserved to be, he was finished with one chapter of his life and a whole other was forming. So many outlines that could be followed; teaching, starting a life with Sara, taking on the role of father to the child that was already his in his mind, if not his genes. Would he go to optometry school like we had discussed? I could tell that the alcohol was slowly allowing many of these thoughts to drift from his mind, just as all of those square hats had drifted down from the rafters earlier in the day.
As Saturdays during the holiday season tend to do, one party slowly gave way to another and I found myself facing a most uncertain one. Don’t get me wrong I love seeing old friends as much as anyone but unfortunately some old friends come with baggage. The hosts had neither the etiquette to properly introduce people and cultivate conversation, nor provide beverages and finger foods. Had I become jaded, or was I just in my lack of enthusiasm for a party in which people were told, well past nine, that they were expected to bring their own refreshments. Maybe it’s me, but unlike some who wax sophomorically about their days lived out in a pot clouded room, I am no longer enticed. So I don’t know if it was me, or the purple haze, but I just wasn’t feeling up to par and I certainly wasn’t surfing the crest of this party’s wave.
Grasping for some excuse, any excuse to get out, I agreed to take Richard to retrieve his wallet. The thought of riding for six blocks alone in a car with Richard was not my idea of a good time either but it would certainly ease the weight of the “party” on my shoulders. Richard and I have a history, a rather long history. Ours is one of those things that goes back to the days when high school crushes never got as far as you wanted, leaving you heart broke and lonesome only to be picked up again some years later, when you find yourselves living together after having lost touch for awhile, realizing how completely different you are and the thought of ever wanting to take the relationship beyond acquaintances still boggles the mind. Richard and I parted on less than perfect terms, both refusing to take the high road, each being petty and childish in our own ways. We haven’t really spoken more than hellos since I moved out which is why I was taken aback when he told me that he had his first kiss, with another boy. Not to sound overwhelmingly jaded, but in today’s world a twenty five year old sharing a kiss with someone of the same sex hardly counts as front-page news.
I suppose I was bothered by several things, the first being why me, the second, why not me. Why did he choose to tell me this? I didn’t need to hear it. Was he searching for some sort of validation? Did he expect me to produce some sort of gold sticker to commemorate this moment? I was further put off by the thought of, why not me. What was wrong with me? When we were in high school and he flirted with me endlessly was there something that I could have done that would have made him make that exploratory leap? Was this confessions some sort of apology for that night years later in the apartment we shared when I had too much wine and too strong a libido and he rejected me forcefully and degradingly? Why him, why now? I needed time, I needed space to sort through it all and figure out why the voice of a lonely sophomore fresh out of the closet was ringing through my head. I didn’t have time, nor space, so I simply moved the conversation along. Richard was telling me his thoughts on the evolution of sexuality, how he believed the day would come when gender wouldn’t matter and it would be a deeper attraction that brought us to physical love with another. I concurred, remembering all the times he told me how much he liked me, he just didn’t fool around with guys. I would have given anything for a patch of ice to send us headlong into oncoming traffic, anything to end this conversation. We were on our way back to the party when the notion hit me, was this some sort of come on? Was Richard trying to win back my affections all this time later? While the party we returned to was unchanged by time, at least I had something to think about.
When I thought I could handle no more, the governor made the call, as it were, and the party was over for the night or so I thought. I drove back to Richards, Vicki and Barbara in tow. The streets were getting worse and fog had set in, Richard invited me up and I knew I had to make a decision. Face the elements and drive home, or wait until morning with the possibility of living out a fantasy in between. We talked for several hours, it was decided I would stay. I couldn’t help but wonder where things would end up come dawn? I couldn’t help but wonder if some things are better left to chance. If we act on impulse will it always let us down if that is the precedent? I decided to leave it up in the air.
I woke up in Richard’s bed. The air in the room was crisp against my nose but I was warm under the covers. I quietly got up and slipped on my clothes from the night before that were left in a pile on the floor. I stopped in the living room to try to make myself look like I hadn’t just gotten out of bed but it was of little use, whoever would sell me coffee on the way home would know that I had yet to return from the previous night. Taking one last look around I was happy to see Richard lying on the couch, where he had spent the entire night. Walking down the stairs in the cold gray of December mornings I thought to myself, maybe love from the past never really goes away? Perhaps the wounds will always be there, the marks and scars of heartbreak and love lost, like the puddles of melting ice on the sidewalk, just waiting for the temperature to drop so they can knock us off our feet once again.

2003-09-17T21:27:00.000-05:00

some quotes, if you will

"Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise that I dance like I've got diamonds at the meeting of my thighs."

"You better be good to me, That's how its gotta be"

"Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them, they think I'm telling lies
I say, It's in the reach of my arms, the span of my hips, the stride of my step, the curl of my lips. I am woman [gay man] Phenomenally, Phenomenal woman [gay man], That's me."

with a little personalization

kisses all

2003-09-15T14:48:00.000-05:00

Party BizarreWell, the new home is turning out nicely, the move was difficult as they always are, but it’s almost complete and the unpacking has begun. Everyday I get a little more accomplished but it’s difficult with work and school. Speaking of which, I’m enjoying class more and more each week. I feel challenged, I feel like I’m accomplishing things and that makes life more enjoyable. Work is becoming a bother rather than a joy. I used to enjoy my time at the library, helping people access information and acquire new knowledge used to be so satisfying to me, however, lately it’s so routine, so dull that I need a new outlet. I think I’ve all but sealed the deal with Mickey mantles and sure being a host will not be terribly exciting but it will be some extra cash.
I went to a party on Saturday night and I wish now I hadn’t. Joy was not to be had. I was thrilled to see the Duncan girls. It seems like so much time tends to pass between our encounters but every time we pick up where we left off and roll on from there. It’s sweet really, sweet and enduring. On the other hand parties tend to bring out the good and the bad in people. People you once thought promising and full of human potential show true colors and turn out to be nothing more the leach like death eaters, sucking out the life and joy in others because of their inability to experience and fulfill their own life. It’s sad really but I cannot save the world, I just keep on surviving.

2003-09-09T19:10:00.000-05:00

So long since a post and actually little time to do it now! I promise friends and lovers, a full up to date, blow by blow of the past several days.
Oh, so much has happened!

2003-08-25T16:14:00.000-05:00

In the sweet by and by

Well, I did something this weekend that I thought I would never do, I sat and witnessed the marriage of the very first person I ever thought I was in love with. It was a very pretty ceremony and in hindsight I am happy for the couple. As I said to them that night, best wishes and much love. The reception and following party was fun and over indulgent. So very very much alcohol. So much that I ended up telling a former high school teacher of my crush on him in my younger HHS days. He was flattered. He's not as cute as he used to be though. I guess a wife and two kids will do that to you.

I spent the weekend at, lets call him J. for all intents and purposes, I will say it again, I have never been in a filthier house. I know that I'm a little too anal about cleanliness sometimes but you have to admit there is a line that can be crossed from messy/dirty right into gross. I think that line may have been crossed. Alas, I survived. I went to a swell party Saturday night and ran into a lot of really great people I haven't seen in ages. I'll take this moment to send hella-love to my Duncan Girls as I've missed you so and I hope for many more adventures this semester as we have had the past couple of years since our paths originally crossed at the corner of harold and plaid.
To the senator, whom I am sure will never in a million find himself on this page; I wonder what type of misinformation you received about me and from which particular person. To hear from you, don't get me wrong it was lovely to see you, but you were making it seem like I've been off having some sort of mental break down for the past year. Curious indeed, I wonder what others could possibly be thinking, what sort of misconceptions may exist out there, floating around casting impressions about me that might not be true.
Speaking of J. again, I think the initial influx of intrigue is slowly starting to wane. I still find him to be a nice, interesting, goofy guy, but I think we really are looking for different things or so it would seem. From what he says I think he's not looking for a real relationship and I am. I think I've reached a point in my life right now where I would like to settle in and really face the challenge of sharing my life with someone for a while, I think I'm ready to challenge myself to be with someone and not automatically start building walls and barriers. I want to learn to trust myself to open up and trust others to do the same. I don't want a fuck buddy or a fling or even really a friend with benefits, of course, this may all change tomorrow.

I LOVE school this semester, granted it's only the second week but I think I'm really going to like UCO and I think I'm going to do some important things there, or else, have a lot of fun trying.

2003-08-14T17:16:00.000-05:00

crazy black outs. Fortunately the lights are still on here in the land of the red man. Today has not been a total loss even thought I sit here at work staring at an empty room, each monitor like a big black eye staring back at me. Pho for lunch today was more tasty than mere words can describe, it really hits the spot if you know what I mean.
I don't know what it is buy I have been having the craziest, zaniest dreams lately. Last night I dreamt that I ran into tori amos at my local video store and when they wouldn't let me rent I asked her if she would mind checking out my video for me. I was trying to rent dancer in the dark and she looked at it and rolled her eyes making some breathy noise and said no, when I asked why she got all bitchy on me and we started fighting and I was screaming at her as she sped off in a mustang while flipping me the bird. This was very very upsetting, as I dearly love the petite flame haired songstress!

2003-08-11T16:30:00.000-05:00

Dancing In The Purple Rain

A lovely weekend indeed, two people I care deeply for returned home from an overseas adventure safely and happy. A run in with an old friend/foe turned out to not be as terrible as I had expected, of course no words or glances were exchanged so we might as well not even have been in the same physical location which is perfectly fine with me. Much drinking, WAY TOO MUCH DRINKING, my body is still recovering all these hours later, my head aches and my tummy feels like mush, I need more sleep and perhaps some chicken soup, in the future a little self control wouldn't hurt much either. The best thing about the weekend was that two nights in a row I wasn't sleeping single in a double bed, as the song goes, and it was wonderful, while physical intimacy was kept to a minimal I was very happy, even if I did turn into a vodka fueled, babs quoting, potter talkin, bitchy, nelly queen. Hey, it happens sometimes, that's just me. Love and kisses to all.

2003-08-10T13:19:00.000-05:00

Love readers, yes, love.
believe.

2003-08-08T13:03:00.000-05:00

A recent email:

I've decided that not enough people wear hats. Now I'm not talking about baseball caps or cowboy hats, there are far to many of these, and the people who wear them will most certainly be punished in their next life by being reborn as some sort of creature that dwells and survives on horse droppings. I'm talkin' hats doll; big, chic, floppy brimmed, you can't see around me at the theater, kiss my ass you bitch, fabtabulous HATS!!
I believe dear, that you and I are just the people to do it too. After all, we were responsible for the resurgence of lovely scarves as part of many and ensemble. No one was wearing them and look now, they're everywhere. I also single handedly brought the bowling sneaker to Oklahoma despite what Steve Madden may think.
So, you and I lovey, we will start the hat revolution and soon the simple minded and fashion depraved will follow. I can see it now, Fall of 2003 will be the season of the HAT.

viva la revolution!!

2003-08-05T18:36:00.000-05:00

ughh, you know what happens when your best friend turns twenty one, another friends decides she must up and move to california and another buddy moves into a great new place; you have celebritory drinks, a lot of them.

recovery is coming nicely, even though I was questioned about whether I had been drinking at work, I mean I am a lush but at nine o'clock in the morning on a monday. I think not. I merely had to explain that I was a twenty one year old college student in between summer and fall semesters and I am permanently and severely hung over, and that if I look and smell like I was up until three o'clock in the morning doing jello shots, it's because I was. Thanks. Love it. Live it.

In other news, the apt. hunt continues and the new harry potter has been completed.

2003-07-23T16:55:00.000-05:00

finally, new post..

Last night had birthday drinks at HiLo for Mr. Big's birthday and all was fun even thought the bar was far too crowded and the band was not one of my favorites and the fact that what used to be a divey, fun, gay bar has now been over crowded with the straight young crowd that formally took up residence at the PD before it closed. Alas, fun was to be had.

The other day while eating pho with lady lou, the elder asian lady running the place came to our table and dumped a bit of some sort of dried stuff in my soup, I'm guessing that it was bits of dried onion and garlic but I cannot be sure of this. Now, this was not done by any sort of request at all and she did not say anything prior to, during or after her addition to my pho. I'm perplexed as to the cause for this. Did she think from my appearance that my diet was lacking something and she herself would see to it that it was corrected? I just don't know. It would make sense I suppose; I have always throughout my life had one asian woman or another looking out for my well-being. Maybe I shouldn't question it and just except it as part of my fate and my journey.

I've enrolled for fall classes and I'm excited about attending a new university, well, excited, nervous perhaps even a little anxious, but I have trust that all will work out as it should if I allow it to, faith.

Now, to find another job and a swingin' pad.

2003-07-14T17:31:00.000-05:00

Okay, quick thought reminder from weekend as it’s a crazy Monday and I don’t have time to write at all right now.

Debbie Gibson/Chicago
Singletons
Dancing/drinking/cute boy
Warrants
Exploding diet cokes
Sex and champers

2003-07-08T16:03:00.000-05:00

Your Heart Is A Muscle The Size Of Your Fist

I'm currently listening to a cd by a band called The Quails, Atmosphere, if you haven't heard of this band you should really check them out. They're very talented and they rock my booty.
I had never heard of this band until last September when I embarked on a pre-birthday roadtrip/margaret cho movie/Sleater Kinney concert/extravaganza. Two really dear friends, Lady K. and the Beezer and I left Norman on a great adventure heading south, cowboy hats and a cooler full of beer and camera's in tote. Getting a bit of a later start than planned, we roared down I-35 making amazing time. I dropped off the boy and girl at the Gypsy Tea Room and scooted my way across Dallas to catch Margaret Cho in The Notorious C.H.O. . I actually hadn't bought a ticket to that night's concert because I didn't think I would be able to catch the Cho and Sleater-Kinney, however, as luck would have it my show got out just in time for me to book it back to Deep Ellum as SK was just getting ready to start. I had missed the opening band, The Quails, as it was not yet in our fates for our paths to cross. SK rocked and I couldn't have been happier, we left the show sweaty, smiling and Lady K. possessing a guitar pick used that night by Corin.
Onward we traveled following yonder star.
Our excursion did not end in the town known as Big D- we continued our journey south on to Austin. Now some may criticize and point out with an air of maturity that after a night of beer and concerts we should have stayed in Dallas but not for adventurers like ourselves. It was Austin or bust. I drove on through the night as one by one my comrades drifted off to sleep to the lulling hum of wheels on asphalt as the dark Texas night stretched out before us.
As Cyndi's voice rang out of my speakers, we both drove all night; the city limit lights of Austin finally made their appearance like a welcoming dawn in the early hours. I couldn't help but think of those commercials for motel six I believe it is that state, "we'll leave a light on for you." It was as though the City had been expecting us, and they had indeed left a light on. After one initial mishap we made it to our booked Ramada room and crashed in an exhausted heap into a few hours of much needed sleep. I still felt as if I was vibrating from the road but I drifted off quickly.
The next morning after showers and smokes and bad hotel lobby coffee we were ready for Austin to reveal its mysteries. Our first mission was food as If I recall few of us could remember neither what nor when we had last consumed foodstuffs. Austin was warm and sunny and Sixth Street was alive and bustling with some sort of basketball “hoop off.” We wandered back and forth and around until we settled on a divey hamburger joint that was surprisingly satisfying. Nourished and revamped we made our way to the Austin Museum Art and lazily made our way through absorbing and reflecting on the images presented. Strangely enough, I thought that they harbored a rather significant meaning to the current journey I was in the middle of at the time.
Back to the hotel for a late afternoon nap and local paper perusing. I personally had never heard of a strip/sex club with an all you can eat buffet, but hey the world is wild a varied place and apparently there really is something out there for everyone.
The show that night could not have been more perfect; sweaty, bouncing, loud, rocking, frolicking good times. This was the night I was to first see The Quails. It’s so exciting to see a band that you’ve never heard before live on stage instead of on the radio. There’s something personable, human and enchanting about the whole experience. They finished and walked off stage and I could not resist. I over came my initial shyness and asked if they would take a picture, which they indeed did and did so seemingly happily. Small pleasantries and praise were exchanged before the girls took the stage. Without explanation SK Rocked even more so than the previous night and you could tell the whole crowd was really feeling it and there was some sort of universal stand still and I felt happy to be alive and experiencing life first hand and blessed to be able to share it with people I cared about and with whom I shared a common history. Sweatier than the night before and starting to feel the long hours of our journey creep into our bones we ate a dreadful late night/early morn dinner at an IHOP I believe. (did you know that IHOP closes it’s smoking section for a set amount of hours in the early am for some reason, it was new to us, maybe it’s a Texas thing.)
The sun came too soon the next day as we rolled out of bed and packed our wagon to head back north. Three hours to Dallas and several wrong turns that looped us around the city at least twice, only to reach a restaurant that treated us as though we were vagrants who had wandered in off of the streets. Had they known that they were dealing with people who had been traveling and rocking non stop for forty eight hours and who were in no mood to be ignored I’m sure they would have been more accommodating. As it were, we had to do a little bitching, after all the food was not that spectacular and more attentive service can be witnessed at you local county jail. Yes, I was wearing Old Navy pajama pants that had illustrations of fried eggs on them, true, showers and shaving and make up removal had been sporadic by all three parts of our party, but this is no reason to be drug out in the street and shot, or denied service at a restaurant where ninety percent of the menu is deep fat fried. Respect the paying customer.
Back in the car we made the last three hours of our journey laughing and talking, drinking coronas and watching the flat Oklahoma horizon loom lazily under a sweltering, late summer day sun betting one another on the final arrival time of our trek. I made it to my house that night after delivering Lady K. and Beezer to their doorstep. It was cool and dark and a slight breeze blew across the water. I smoked a cigarette watching the moon ripple on the pond to bring the whole adventure to a final curtain call. Without even a shower I stripped and slid into my crisp cotton sheets and slept peacefully dreading the coming dawn that would bring back the normalcy of lectures and papers due and work and slow pace of day to day.

2003-07-07T16:44:00.000-05:00

Such a long weekend. I'm a little bit glad to get back to work after so much partying.
Things I did this weekend: drank, danced, witnessed my first bar fight, flirted, smoked pot, danced, ran into a girl from high school who is now a drag king, became annoyed by bad parenting, drank, danced, had weird war dreams do to fireworks outside my bedroom window, listened to Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, had lunch with a friend who moved to florida on sunday, good chinese take out, slept, read, remembered.

2003-07-03T17:49:00.000-05:00

Happy fourth ya'll -
Don't blow up yourselves or anyone else. Be safe. Be proud. Sodomize your hearts out.

2003-07-02T16:07:00.000-05:00

Fake, Plastic, Me?

Now, I don't want to rant or anything. Please keep the snickering to a low volume; I'm trying to say something here.

I am the friendly sort, especially in class. I know what a headache it is to miss a lecture and desperately try to get the missed notes from someone, I really do. I also know that it's very helpful to have someone you can ring up if you're having trouble on a particular homework assignment. However, I only said that I would help you because I thought you honestly wanted help. I did not expect you to try and take advantage of my kindness by thinking you could sleep through most of lecture, twice, then just Xerox my well organized and detailed notes. I thought perhaps you would need a little help on a few homework questions, not that you would expect me to turn over my completed work for you to copy without even paying attention to the formulas you were writing down. When I politely, and stupidly, gave you my home number I thought you would only use it in extreme circumstances. I did not think you would call me repeatedly, six times in the span of an hour borders on stalking if you didn't know. Also, if you didn't know, my answering machine is there for my convenience, not yours darling. Ask any of the people who call me on a regular basis, sometimes I do not return calls if it is not an emergency, and you wanting me to meet you at Kinko’s so you can pass of my hard work as your own does not constitute an emergency. Further more, I am not a confrontational person. I used to be that way, on the drop of a dime I would yell and scream and fight. I am not that person anymore, I realized that behavior is ultimately stupid and unhealthy physically and emotionally I left it behind with my high school teenaged stupidity. That being said, I am also an adult, as I mistakenly took you to be as well. A little bit of wisdom for you, adults do not roar into a lecture hall as the class has ended, again you missed a hell of a lot of notes, making a scene while demanding to know why I haven't returned your calls. Get a clue honey, your bullish, using, intimidating heterosexual, lazy ass attitude isn’t getting an ounce of help from yours truly. Who, for you information, made a perfect score on the last exam. Eat it, dipshit. In conclusion, I think you need to reexamine your anger doll, you're pissed off at yourself for mistaking me as someone you could use, ha ha, I saw you coming and I diverted my path. As to your comment that I am "fake", well, being the used car salesman that YOU are I would assume YOU have a firm grasp on the ideology of being FAKE, alas your judgment has led you astray this time. What you see as fake on my behalf is really just someone calling you on your shit. Maybe this has never happened to you before? You are young, but Hear this and KNOW it well, you are not as smooth as you believe yourself to be, perhaps in the past you have gotten away with such bullshit, after all it is Oklahoma and it doesn't take much to get the upper hand on the yokels or the girls needing validation, but now you're in the big leagues, you're in the real world, and we see you for what you are.

RESPECT the FAG, for he will not tolerate your bloody nonsense.

2003-07-01T17:29:00.000-05:00

Summer Sick
There is nothing, nothing, nothing worse in my opinion than being sick in the summer. Okay, well, I suppose there are some things that are worse but summer sick is right up there with them. Now, I'm not talking about your average feeling bad the next day after a late night bender, or a little sneeze and sniffle from allergies. I'm talking, scratchy throat, gunky, coughing, fever, achy sick. Which is what I think is beginning. I have the cough, I have the sore throat. Now, in the wintertime this predicament, while annoying, is tolerable. In the winter it's cold out so you can wrap up in warm blankets, soothe your sore throat with hot tea and steamy chicken noodle soup and the such. In the summer heat, particularly the Oklahoma summer heat these activities are not only uninviting they are down right un-doable. Oh, the agony, I don't want to get ill! I'm taking my vitamin C and drinking lots of fluids of course. I have an appointment with Dr. Chan on Thursday that was already scheduled to get a physical and some tests and just make sure I'm in general good health. However, now I might actually need some sort of real medicine. Wish me good health y'all.

2003-06-30T16:19:00.000-05:00

Weddings, Pride, Plastic Surgery, Rulings, Death and Chili On Your Pants

I haven't posted since pride weekend here in OKC, it's been a crazy time. Pride was a lot of fun. I was totally trashed and having a ball. I really wanted a recently out acquaintance of mine to go down and see the festivities, alas, he did not. It would seem as though he has developed some odd, homophobic homosexual complex. Another friend actually caught recently out boy reading a Billy Graham book. Yikes! and Youzer!
Maybe he'll work out his problems. For me, I could not have thought of anything better than seeing a dance floor full of gay men line dancing to Shania Twain remixes. Smiles all 'round.

It was also terribly wonderful to have this happen smack dab in the middle of pride and the upcoming fourth of July celebrations. Sodomites everywhere should unite and celebrate in some sort of festive red, white and blue garb! I can see it now, mass sodomy orgies on the washington mall under a fireworks filled sky! God Bless America Indeed!

She was a really terrific lady and will be very, truly missed by this lady.

He will not.

Saturday was truly the most bizarre wedding day ever. It began with me waking up terribly late (read, woke up at noon and the wedding starts at two). Mom calls and left her medicine at the house and needs me to bring it to her. I talk to Leslie and tell her I'll call her from Shepler's. I throw some clothes in the dryer, you know, to get the wrinkles out, jump in the shower and try to make myself look like I hadn't been out drinking and dancing in a dj booth all night. I speed down I-40 while at the same time trying to remove some blood red nail polish from the night before (fun for at the club dancing, not so appropriate for an afternoon wedding don't cha think). I make it to the store and deliver the medicine, bum twenty from ma for the cash bar and touch base with Leslie and make plans to meet at the Chelino's in Del City which is somewhere near the church that we have vague directions to but not real ones as neither of us can find our invitations with the map.
I fly back east, or attempt to on the I, but they have traffic down to one lane and it's backed up past 44. I take a quick off ramp and jump on Reno. Now, speeding through downtown in a 35 zone going 60 is not something I would normally do, support, or recommend but hey, I was late for a wedding. I pull up to the restaurant at a rough 1:20. Leslies waiting and we order a couple of beers and some food. BAD IDEA. First of all, while this restaurant does have excellent beer and food, they are incredibly slow! By slow, I mean SLOW! We finally get our grub and are working on another round of beers when, yes, oh yes, I spill a very large, very noticeable amount of chili sauce on my very light khaki's! Nothing is getting this stain out, water, club soda, it's all a no go. We finish another beer, yes we are those types of people who will drink before a wedding at two o'clock in the afternoon, we're 21, who cares?
Well, there is no way I'm going to this wedding with food on myself. We figure we're already going to be late and we have two options, drive to my house, ten minutes in the opposite direction of the wedding, or stop at the thrift store on the way. Thrift store it is!! Luckily they were having a fifty off sale so it didn't really deplete my cash that bad. We ran in grabbed a pair of pants off the rack and I changed right there in the middle of the store. Again, not something I would normally do, support or recommend, but hey, we were late for a wedding!
Pants are changed and paid for and we're on the rode again. We find the church and park, of course the first three doors we try to go in are locked and we're now running around the outside of the church searching for the entrance. Inside we sign the guest book and as we are about to walk in Leslie pulls a string on her top and I shit you not, her shirt starts to unravel. Well, a quick knot and tie from my skilled hands and we're good to go. We slip in the back and make the last ten minutes of the ceremony, long enough to hear the "I DO's" and pray four times! All was well and nobody turned their heads.
The reception was a whole other ordeal. In retrospect a table consisting of yours truly, the Lovely Miss L, Clay, Blake, Lady A, and Jason should not be positioned so closely to the table with all of the free champagne!
Needless to say, there was a lot of foolish dancing, someone got thrown out of the hotel bar and someone else pissed on the floor of the hotel room. The latter two I cannot attribute to myself so I don't feel so bad. I figure, I didn't knock over the wedding cake or make out with the groom so it's a win/win situation.

Oh, yeah, mom had her tummy tuck today!

2003-06-17T16:05:00.000-05:00

DIVA

Sometimes we find ourselves reeling in the present only to be sucked back into the past. Coming face to face with the presence of the past can be terrifying. My weekend brush with days gone by rather smoothly. I still think the essence of one particular being is no more complicated or deeper than a bowl of corn flakes but at least the mood remained pleasant.

It's hard to worry about loved ones without becoming over involved and not forgetting that you can't run another's life. It's frustrating to be an observer, sitting in the stands and trying not to point your finger, giant and foam, or otherwise at the mistakes made on the playing field.

Pride is coming up this weekend here where the wind comes sweeping down the planes; I hope it turns out well. I need to go, I've been out of commission the past two years. I need to see the community and witness the support. Plus you can't beat seeing some pretty men in tanks. fun. fun.

2003-06-08T19:27:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow, will it really come

This weekend was really pretty great to be quite matter of fact. Friday night I saw a couple of really good bands and was able to hang out with Brandon for awhile. I hadn't seen him in weeks and I was really glad that we got to share some time togeather.
I also got to talk to someone I had been wanting to get to know better for some time. J, I know you won't be reading this but just to send it out there into the world. I think youre really quite amazing and I hope that this is the beginning of something important no matter to what extent.

Much love and joy

2003-06-03T16:17:00.000-05:00

Philo is lucky, sounds like there are some good guys left out there in the world. I agree that a library card is indeed, very sexy!
Send some of those guys my way!

2003-06-02T14:38:00.000-05:00

I haven't been blogging much lately because I feel I don't really have anything to say. Then I realized that the reason I started this thing was just to post about myself so I'm going to start doing that again and if something worthy comes out of my ramblings then it comes out, if not, who cares.
So, I've been a terrible friend over the past three months. I haven't emailed, called or stayed in touch with so many people who are really wonderful and who's friendships I cherrish. I've just been going through some funk and when I'm in a funk I don't feel like communicating. Basically I just don't like to bring others down with my pissing and moaning so I avoid contact because it makes me feel worse to call people up and be all fake cheery. I makes me feel like I'm not being honest. However, maybe if I would open up to people the funk would pass quicker.
Summer school starts today, I've never taken summer classes before so I wonder how it will make the time pass and if I'll feel like I'm really getting a break. I guess time will tell.

2003-05-23T15:22:00.000-05:00

Colds Can Be Fun

For the past five days I've had crazy sinus stuff going on and yesterday it seemed as though my ears were taking the brunt of the invasion. While not being able to hear well can be a bit annoying at times it also makes for really funny scenes at your local 7-11! For example, while purchasing my diet coke and a pack of smokes the friendly clerk inquired "soft or box?" to which I replied "soccer socks?" this carried on a few more times before I finally got what was actually said but by that time I was laughing so hard it really didn't matter anymore...the lesson you ask, sick people are funny.

2003-05-21T16:16:00.000-05:00

The Night Has A Naked Soul

So, okay, I'm totally sore today. I was really stressed yesterday and I started to do yoga and before I knew it two hours had passed, I'm totally stretched and now I'm a little sore. A lot of it could be from sitting on my ass in my chair in front of my computer for the past five hours but there is literally nothing to do at work today and the rest of the week looks just as promissing. On the upside, tonight we will find out who our new idol will be, I'm less than excited but at this point I would be chipper over the smallest of change in pace

2003-05-20T18:08:00.000-05:00

Good Enough

Monday I continued to nurse my damn sore throat, while screening phone calls from my mother urging me to go to the doctor. It's not that I have some sort of beef with my doc. Dr. Chan is really quite a wonderful man and a top-notch physician. He really takes time and talks to you and gives a full examination, which is so not the status quo in our entire health care controlled medical field. I just don't go to doctors often, that's all. I figure, I know whether or not I'm really sick and there's no sense in going in and getting a prescription for a little head cold that my body can fight off in a few days. Besides, if I get really sick I want my immune system to have had a few practice runs. Practice makes perfect, right?
Anyhow, I didn't go to work and I spent the day on the couch nursing myself back to health. Martha, Inc. was a bit of a let down, entertaining somewhat but I think it could have been done a lot better, then again, no one asked me.
Back at work today, loving my new flat screen dell and trying to not kill myself out of boredom!

2003-05-20T18:03:00.000-05:00

And We'll All Shine On
I spent the weekend in Sooner town and really had a marvelous time for the most part.
Friday night I was on the scene at Johnny’s party. I think I spent most of the time having some sort of awkward panic attack. I don't know what it was but I felt like I was struggling against waves crashing against my head. I don't know what was up with me; I haven't had that sort of feeling in ages. Maybe I just can't do crowds of people anymore, I don't know. Saturday was a hoot, lots of sleep and then a little lunch and garage sale hopping with Madame A. I had planned on going to the starlight mints show at the opolis on sat. night but decided not to pay the twelve dollar cover to be crammed in that tiny performance space when I'll be seeing the mints along with liz phair and the lips on the ninth of june anyway. So it was a low-key eve with beer and pizza shuttle at La A's with a few boys and all was fine. I woke up the next day with a very sore throat and headed home to pop vitamin C's and lay on the couch.

2003-05-12T21:11:00.000-05:00

Mother

My mother is also one of my best friends. Sure, she made mistakes while I was growing up. She left an unhealthy marriage of over twenty years when I was very young, so it was like she was growing up herself at the time. This created a unique dynamic for our relationship and although some may say it's not right for parents and children to fight like we do or to have as much fun as we do, it works for us. Mom and I can have a drink, have a laugh, have a cry, have a bitch fest and it all seems better in the end We been through some ups and a lot of downs over the past twenty one years but we've always leaned on each other for support and somehow have always managed to survive and land on our feet to see another day. I told my mom I was gay when I was in high school. The first couple of years it took her some time to adjust. I'm sure like all parents she thought it might be some sort of a phase that would pass. After initially not wanting to hear much about it, she has really come along these past few years. It's no big thing for her to ask about my love life or if I'm seeing anyone new. She can sit and watch an episode of Will&Grace or one of the Margaret Cho concert videos, and while she doesn't get all the jokes she does see the humor and she sees a reflection of her son. I wouldn't be the person I am today without her. Yes, like all humans, she is flawed. Yes, many of those flaws were passed on to yours truly. This is what makes me special, a living legacy of sorts. I spent most of the day cooking for mom but I like to do that so it was okay. It makes me happy when we get to spend these moments together. So to you maw, I say HAPPY MOTHER"S DAY. I love ya

2003-05-12T20:51:00.000-05:00

Butterflies don't belong in nets
Well, I was supposed to meet L&K at the greed door for Sylvain Sylvain but alas it was not to be. Equipment was stolen in Dallas so the show didn't even happen and my efforts to get out of work on time actually caused me to stay an extra ten minutes in as irate users berated me and I quipped back with cleverness. To top it all off L&K left when they leaned the show was cancelled so I didn't even get to see them. Sometimes life throws ya curves.

2003-05-06T18:42:00.000-05:00

haze all clouded up my mind / in the daze of the why
To get caught up :
Mike's gone now. He left for boot camp in Arkansas two weeks ago today. I miss him, I hope he's doing all right and making it okay. His farewell party was fun/sad. I saw some people I hadn't seen in a long time, made a visual statement on the perception of masculinity and femininity, saw way too many pairs of breasts with pierced nipples, and didn't get tanked. I was as surprised as anyone! All was said and done and I was tucked away by four in the morning. As I said before, I wish Mike the best and I send him my strength and support. He's the first person I've ever know on a personal level to join the armed forces, it will take some adjusting for sure.
Classes are rounding out nicely for the semester after all; I have two major projects to complete and only one final this semester so I think I'll be all right. After that I get two glorious weeks of non-school mindset before I start a few summer courses. There are a lot better things I would rather spend my summer months doing but I don't have any plans this year so classes and relaxation and work will be enough to keep me busy.
Counseling is tough at times but I appreciate it. It doesn't really help me to continually self analyze myself to the point of insanity, but it's a comforting outlet all the same.
I've lapsed incredibly on my diet but that's okay, the summer months of heat and perpetual sweating are upon us here in Oklahoma so I figure I'll just sweat the pounds away. All while merely walking to my car. UGHH it really is too hot here! It's only the first part of May and it's already annoyingly hot outside. Why in the world to people live here? We have outrageously HOT summers, and bitterly cold winters. The only enjoyable weather is the first two weeks of April and the first two weeks of November. That is the extent of our spring and fall, the rest of the time it's simply dreadful. I want to move away from this place as soon as I can. Ahh, but that's a dream a few years down the road I suppose, so until then I will suffer with perpetual pit stains and sunburns, countered by chapped cheeks and cracked lips.

Personal life's in the crapper.
Self-esteem is hanging by a thread.
Escapism is starting to be wrangled under control.

On the sunny side of things. I'm officially a published poet. Run out fast to get your own copy of Pegasus 2003!

2003-04-24T14:36:00.000-05:00

Why Do We Crucify Ourselves, Everyday

Last night was just what the doctor ordered.
The Tori Amos concert in Dallas was unbelievable. I didn't think it could outshine the Tulsa show but it sho nuf did! There was only one thing missing and she knows who she is. I had to grove to taxi ride alone and there was no one to hand me a tissue during Landslide or Abraham, Martin and John. She didn't do too many repeats from the other show I saw on this tour which was super nice and the audience plus the performance center were top notch. Oh, tori, how I envy thy talent, but I am oh, so glad, you choose to share it with the world.

2003-04-22T20:01:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it's a bitch, sometimes it's a breeze

I don't know if I'm going to pass one of my classes.
I don't know where I'm going to attend summer school or how I'm going to pay for it.
I don't know where I'm going to be working.
I don't know where I'm going to be living.

I do know, that tomorrow night I'm going to see Tori in Dallas and for that brief time I will forget about all my troubles.

Send love, hope, peace and happiness.

2003-04-21T11:18:00.000-05:00

Don't tell me not to fly, just sit and sputter. Life's candy and the sun's a ball a buttah!

So much to do today.
Places to go.
People to see.
Calls to make.

All will be in time.

2003-04-15T21:31:00.000-05:00

Shake your ass around my casket
There's a full moon tonight. Lightening is streaking the sky. The wind is blowing with tremendous strength. This is the type of night where anything can happen.
I've been trying to figure out to do with my life. I've always been told that I'm destined for some greatness. I believe that. I believe it with every fiber of my being. Trying to figure out what it is one's destined to do, however, is a hard part. It seems though, that it may have been staring me in the face the entire time. I'm not talking about careers or jobs; I'm talking about purpose. What is my purpose? I think my purpose is to fight for change, social change. I think that my life's work is to change life for others. Specifically for the benefit of the GLBT community. It is no longer acceptable to me that there are rights in this supposed "free" country that are afforded to others and not to myself. It's a losing cause you might say? I say your wrong. I say it's a worthy cause. A cause that I ardently believe in. It's a cause that I'm willing to march through streets for, fight haters for, pound down the doors of our law making bodies for, a cause I'm willing to suffer for. It's also a cause to which I want, with all of my passion, to be resolved.

2003-04-13T17:34:00.000-05:00

Need a lip gloss boost in your America
Okay, the great thing that I think blogs allow you to do is to have a voice, a soapbox, a public forum. Even if no one ever reads this, even if it's only for the sake of my personal sanity, it will be an extension of my voice.
I'm so happy that we have rescued more hostages and that perhaps the day is drawing nearer when our service women and men will be on their way home to reunite with their families. But how long will that last?
I feel a wave of change is coming. I can't put my finger on what it is exactly. A vibration, a wave, an intuition maybe. I think there is collective primal scream racing through the universe. Why isn't everyone hearing this? Why are we still arguing over the right to have opinions that differ from one another? Why are women still raped and beaten in the hundreds on a daily basis? Why does my sexual orientation continue to rank me as a second-class citizen? Why do we still see black men and women making up the largest percent of our prison system when they only make up a small fraction of society as a whole? Why is our government being run solely by older, white, rich men, who make laws that seem to only benefit older, white, rich men? Why do children in the richest nation in the world still go to bed hungry and cold while thousands of people buy plain white tank tops for $400 at a GUCCI boutique near you? Why is hate and violence still the answer to fear and the unknown? Why do we pay athletes billions of dollars only so they can turn around and sink to new levels of horrifying interior decorating?
Why are cries for peace met with violence and police barricades? Why do boys and girls fear to go to school because they are verbally and physically assaulted for being different? Why do we pollute our earth and squander our natural resources and allow are arteries to harden and waists to expand instead of walking the two miles to the store? Why do we prefer to make judgment calls based on houses, clothes and means of transportation rather than heart and soul, and strength of spirit?
Who will start the revolution?
Where will it begin?
How do I sign up?

2003-04-06T19:15:00.000-05:00

You're a few years overdue

Life is hard. I'm leaning to accept that fact. I'm also learning to let go of all my shadows and allow myself to shine.

2003-04-01T21:25:00.000-06:00

My life will never be the same. Madonna doesn't want to cause controversy. It is a sad day indeed. .Please, check out the video and spread the word. For now, I will continue to carry the torch of controversy.

2003-03-30T14:00:00.000-06:00

All right, I'm going to start being a better blogger now.
I have the biggest bruise on my elbow today and it hurts like a pisser. I suppose this is what I get for doing yoga after too many glasses of sangria.
Audrey’s party was fun though, cold, very very cold, but fun. I'm glad we went. I'm also glad that matt was in from poke town.
The thing I'm most happy about is a little reunion that seems to be occurring with me and a certain someone else. It's weird to have not spoken to Joe in something like six months, but I guess he had to figure some stuff out. I hope happiness is only around the corner for him.

2003-03-28T09:49:00.000-06:00

To the boy in Mass Comm, and you know who you are....
I've got a crush on you, sweetie pie
All the day and night time, hear me sigh
The world will pardon my mush
Cause I've got a crush, my baby, on you.

2003-03-28T09:44:00.000-06:00

I'm finally done having my five day long orgasm produced from the tori amos concert that I can finally post again!
There could not have been a better ending to what had been a rather lack luster spring break. The day was beautiful, sun shiny but not too warm. Sort of like the Italian sun in June. It kisses your skin but doesn't burn. The meet and greet was so-so, didn't get to talk to tori but I did get to see her. It's always so shocking to me how petite she is. Just a tiny little thing really. Anyhow, I yelled out "Thank you for coming to Tulsa" as she was walking away and she turned, gave a little smile and walked on. The wait between then and the show was so hard. With every passing minute my excitement grew until I thought I would explode. Amber and Kelly finally turned up and we were able to sell off a few of our extra tickets but not all. (side note: ran into Derek McCoy from high school, love that guy, not a thing had seemingly changed. I bet something has though)
We missed the opening act because we were busy buying t-shirts, programs and a few beers. However, I almost wet myself when amber and I walked to our seats. THESE SEATS WERE INSANE! They were so close tori could have spit upon us. Third row, Center. I don't think there was a better viewpoint in the entire theater.
The set list was beautiful. I heard a great number of songs that I hadn't ever heard in concert before which was a real treat. Besides the stuff from the new album that I obviously hadn’t seen live, she did a beautiful cover of the Beatles' Let It Be, which made me cry, along with Here. In My Head, which also made me cry. Yes, Anastasia was such a shock that I almost cried again! Riot Poof rocked the rafters, as did Iiiee! Okay, I'm starting to sound like a reviewer here when all I'm really trying to do is get across how good of a time I had with tori and my friends. It was a beautiful night and was exactly what my emotional and mental state of late was needing.
Thanks Tori, see ya next time.

2003-03-20T16:32:00.000-06:00

“Naturally the common people don't want war, but after all, it is the leaders of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag people along whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. This is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in every country."

- Hermann Goering, Hitler's Reich-Marshall at the Nuremberg Trials after World War 2.

This quote is credited to Jerwin. Thanks for posting that. How very apropos.

2003-03-11T20:00:00.000-06:00

So, the past couple of days, strange certainly, painful a little bit, eye opening definitely, path changing for sure.
First of all, Margaret Cho on Sunday was most fandamntabulous. Seriously, that girl rocks and I laughed very very hard. It was a very wonderful evening indeed. Even though the day started out rough it couldn't have ended on a better note.
Why you ask, did my day start out so bad? Well, it is definitely in reference to the top line of this post. I have come to the realization that my current living environment has become unhealthy for me. The positive changes I've been making in my life and the different direction I've been trying to go in emotionally and physically has come to a devastating brick wall. I love my father, I truly love him dearly and my only goal over the past nine months was to build a mutually loving, respectful and supportive relationship between the two of us. This is something we have never had, and mournfully now, I don't think we ever will. I thought by living with him we would be forced to spend time together, thus opening up a little, tearing down years of silence and really getting in touch on a personal level. These are things he is either unwilling or just unable to give. After an altercation Sunday morning, I realized that his material things, personal belongings, things like a stove and floors mean more to him than do my feelings and it breaks my heart. I have turned the other cheek, held my anger in check, bit my tongue so often over the past nine months that I feel like I'm going to explode. I have endured living in a town so backwards and bigoted that it doesn't even realize how tragic it really is. The provincial life these people choose to live keeps them uninformed, controlled and ultimately spiritually dead. Ignorance is not bliss, it's a willingness to allow others to control your life and your mind and this is not something I have the power to relinquish. I choose to cherish the past nine months for the truths they have opened up for me and the few moments of tenderness that I believe I witnessed. No longer can this be my life, changes must be made. A move back to the city is the first step, not a permanent one mind you, just temporary until I get confirmation on my acceptance to the university for the fall and then a more permanent move to Norman will follow. My life is back on track; eyes are open and filled with a light of optimism, hope and determination.

2003-03-08T12:05:00.000-06:00

Thrilled, that's what I am. Thrilled. Not only is my work with the jesus freaks done for good, but the dazzlingly mucho fabuloso Ms. Zanner V. is in town for the weekend! While it is a crime that I’m stuck in the lab until four o'clock on this day when the mercury will clime it's way up near seventy I know that great things will wait when I leave. I'm going to attempt to use my time at work today in a constructive manner ( studying for my mid term on Monday ), when I get home it'll be a quick workout, toss in a load of laundry while I tidy my abode, a refreshing shower and shave only to great my guest and get our mad drink on. I haven't seen my lovely Z. in quite some time and I think we need to have a gal’s night out. Who knows, maybe a little make up party will be in order, just like in the old days.
Why, you may ask, is this girl so important to petite moi. Well, the positive changes I've been making in my life over the past couple of months really had their seed planted quite some time ago. It was, in fact, on a sixty-year-old balcony in the ghetto during a June Oklahoma night. If you're not familiar with the local weather, June nights aren't too terrible. They're balmy but with just enough breeze to cool the skin.
I had a conversation, fueled by more than my fair share of vodka, with Suzanne. I opened my heart, allowed pains and fears that I'd held within for a long time to come to the surface and find words to express themselves. I cried, she cried, I talked she listened, more importantly, I listened to her. She told me things that I yearned to hear, I needed to hear, I needed to know and believe. I can never express in words the weight that began to be lifted off of my soul that night. To know that there is at least one person in the world who loves you for you, no matter what you wear, what you say, how fat or skinny you are, just you. Someone that can see you first thing in the morning after an all night bender with greasy skin and bed head hair and still think you're beautiful because what they see is more than skin deep it's your essence, your soul. I had thought that after so many years of trying to kill that soul, to lock it away in a dark and damp corner where it could rot and die that know one would ever be able to really see it's light again. She showed me that I had failed that task. She proved to me that even after the years of drinking and drug abuse and weight gain and every other self-destructive activity I had adapted, there was still something inside of me screaming to get out. Screaming to let the world see who I really was. I've started to listen to that voice. I've started to shed the pounds, figuratively and literally of all the years of self-hatred and self-loathing that have weighed me down. I think of it as being like an onion. I've created all of these layers to hide who I am and I'm finally peeling those off so that I can with pride and confidence and love, show the world my light. Suzanne, the goddess blesses you and she blesses me.

2003-03-07T10:42:00.000-06:00

Is my
Blog HOT or NOT?

Boredom leads to many a thing.

2003-03-07T09:42:00.000-06:00

I haven't had much to say lately. In truth, I've been speechless, utterly speechless.
More than ever "Land of the Free" has become nothing more than a sarcastic drawl.

2003-02-28T12:22:00.000-06:00

I'm truly sad.
When I was a little boy my family lived in the country of eastern Oklahoma County, we lived on a dirt road and there were nothing but farms around and no one on my street had children my age. I didn't have "neighborhood friends" to play with. I relied on my imagination to make my own fun and games. Being in the country there was so much open space to go exploring that nature was the most magical place in the world. I always went back to the house for lunch and because I had two television show's I watched daily. This was of course long before I even new what cable television was, plus my mother had a vast background of early childhood education so I watched a lot of public television. To be more specific, everyday I watched Sesame Street and Mister Rodgers Neighborhood . Sesame Street taught me my numbers and letters and a little Spanish, but Mister Rodgers taught me about the really important things; love, friendship, respect, patience, tolerance, and most importantly he taught me that I was someone special, no matter what. Mister Rodgers was there for me when my parents were getting a divorce when I was six; he helped me understand, and made me feel better. He always made me feel better about myself. I only had one grandfather in reality, my maternal grandfather died before I was born, and my paternal grandfather lived in Illinois and I saw him maybe once a year, but everyday Mister Rodgers was like my own television grandfather. I treasured the times we spent together every afternoon. I think a lot of what I am today comes from the lessons he taught me. I don't know that I would ever have been so accepting of my own homosexuality if there hadn't been a little voice in the back of my head that had been embedded there years ago saying, "You are special, and I like you just the way you are."
I'll miss you Mister Rodgers, but you'll always be my neighbor as long as there's love in the world and we can visit the land of make believe.

2003-02-25T19:35:00.000-06:00

Oy, this oklahoma cold is very bad indeed. Topped with the fact that I've felt like refried dog shit for the past three days doesn't help. Sat. night was fun, the blue fish festival in Norman was not so much, however I did get to run into several gals I haven't seen in ages, Amy, Megan, lots of love to you both and I hope to see you again soon.
With little more to say, I direct your attention to a lovely bit of feminist expressionism.
My favorite quote, "Whereas early feminists campaigned tirelessly for improved health care and safe, legal access to abortion,.....today's feminist asserts control over her biological destiny by wearing a baby doll T-shirt with the word "Hoochie" spelled in glitter."

2003-02-22T15:30:00.000-06:00

I can't believe it's been a whole week since last I posted. I guess I've had kind of weird mood, freak out, self destroy kind of a week. I don't really know why, I've just felt quite funky. All this despite winning an out of print ellen degeneres cd on ebay, a lovely night out thursday with kelly, lou and the boys, and working out everyday. I guess just a little funk has settled. Friday was a bummer of sorts. My fault really, because I have the heart of a fourteen year old girl and I fall in love every thirty seconds, men, ice cream, web sites, songs, flowers, puppies, clothes, hair, you name it and I'll fall for it. I had this crush going on a boy in my mass comm class, you know the kind, you make eyes you flirt, you picture how your adopted children will look in their carseats in the back of your volvo as you head to your quaint little home in Vermont, where you were joined in a recognized civil union. AND THEN. Your crush on Friday has to make scared blanket statements about his lust for beautiful women. And then you go have a diet coke and all is better and you move on to your next crush, your next life. More later.

2003-02-15T14:47:00.000-06:00

I want to be cool, tall, vulnerable and luscious

2003-02-14T11:50:00.000-06:00

While flipping through the channels last night I came across ABC's newest reality show, "Are You Hot?" and I almost lost my dinner. Is this show real? Was I dreaming? It must be real; there was an article about it in today’s times. Who are these people and where I ask, do they come from? I think it's sad, very very sad and a real testament to the insane vanity and lack of self-esteem that has befallen people in these current generations. Since when does the matter of a person’s soul come down to their physical appearance? Are we that shallow as a nation? Do people enjoy this? Are there people out there watching this programming and enjoying it? If they are, I think they are NOT.

2003-02-14T10:29:00.000-06:00

today is st. valentines day and I no love to share it with. That's not totally true, I have friends, single as well, that I will probably spend the evening with. Since last I updated I had the distinct pleasure of attending a free lecture given by Kurt Vonnegut which was quite cool. My favorite quote of the evening, "If you really want to bug your parents, and you don't have the nerve to be a homosexual, go into the arts."
pure genious.

2003-02-11T20:03:00.000-06:00

Well, the week has gone good thus far. Silly to say since it's only tuesday. i'll take any good day I can get.
Weekend was all work and no play. This makes for a sad day indeed!
i've almost finished up the mists of avalon though and I don't know what i'll read next. i'm getting way too fond of these internet quizzes. I have to post this one though because i'm oh so proud of it.

Take the Which Madonna Video Are You? Quiz

Speaking of things to be proud of. I know I have accomplished much in my life so far and i know I'll accomplish even more in the future. Right now though, I'm most excited for finally being able to do crane in yoga. Is it sad that out of all things i'm most proud that i can balance upside down on my hands?

2003-02-09T14:09:00.000-06:00

Which John Cusack Are You?

2003-02-07T11:19:00.000-06:00

I'm so excited about getting to see Margaret Cho live in Tulsa. I have always been a big fan of hers! I remember watching her sitcom All American Girl on television when I was in jr. high and I always loved catching her stand up on television whenever possible.
When the movie for I'm The One That I Want was released nation wide it didn't come to Oklahoma. Big surprise there, I know. However, it did come to a theater in Dallas and I made the trek there to see it. It was life altering it was so funny! I laughed until I almost piddled on myself. Here I was, with a friend, in a theater full of fags and fairies and we were all but rolling in the aisles. Everyone in that theater was laughing out loud. I liked it so much I bought the cd and I still giggle hysterically when I listen to it. .."HELLOOOO MY NAME IS GWEN........"
Her second film The Notorious CHO, also did not come to Oklahoma. Again, I went to Dallas to see it, this time by myself, again I needed a clean pair of shorts when it was over.
This year is the year of the Cho. She's actually coming to Oklahoma and not just in celluloid. Face-to-face people, living, breathing, oh my god she's standing in front of me in person. I have an awesome seat and I don't know that I'm going to be able to contain myself. I want to meet her so badly. I want to take a picture with her and I want her to autograph my copy of I'm the one that I want. I want her to meet my fag hag, who actually is a mini Korean Margaret.
Viva La Revolution!

Check out more about Margaret here as well

2003-02-05T21:54:00.000-06:00

Pretty good day all in all here in my world. It is, however, getting devastatingly cold again here where the wind comes sweeping down the plane. So, cold indeed, my down comforter will be in good use this eve.

The movie Speed; Oklahoma style…

Tomorrow I have a date.. I'll fill you in loyal readers!

2003-02-02T17:26:00.000-06:00

Okay, the whole "bug chasing" article from rolling stone is so infuriating! I think Dan Savage best sums it all up. Check out what he has to say.

2003-02-02T13:13:00.000-06:00

Is it just me? Come on now, I know I can’t be the only one. I know for sure that Richard would agree. This MAN is one hunka hunka Louisiana love! Check out those pics.

2003-02-01T15:28:00.000-06:00

My mind wanders sometimes… make that often.
I’ll be thinking of one thing and then like a line of tumbling dominos I’m transported in my head to another place and another time.

Last night’s dinner with Kristin has had my mind wandering today the combination of seafood and company took me away.

There are things in one’s life that you never forget. Days, nights, parties, concerts, classes, books, the list can go on and on.

I’m reminded of one such day. It was the summer of 2001. I was in Venice and completely in awe of the beauty of that magical place. The weather could not have been more perfect. The sky was a crystal blue and the Italian sun beat down not in an oppressive or over bearing way, but just lightly kissing your skin and warming you to the slightly cooler ocean breeze. Aching feet and overwhelmed senses led us to a small water side café. We sat under an umbrella and had the most delicious Mediterranean seafood I’ve ever tasted. Several glasses of red wine and food of god like stature and the sea air led to long, honest conversation about life and childhood, loved ones and struggles. The type of conversation that seemingly springs from nowhere and you're opening up your heart and tearing before you even know it. Uncontrolled emotion in its truest form. The day and subsequent time spent in that enchanted place are all memories I hold dear and think of fondly. However, when I’m lying in my death bed and my mind is hazy with years and failing health and I wander through the mists of a life of experiences, I know that, that particular day, especially the time spent at that table at a café on the shores of Venice, will come sweeping like a shooting star into my minds eye. I will smile and once again feel the warmth, taste the wine and cherish the friendship.

2003-02-01T13:18:00.000-06:00

There is oh so much happiness to revel in!
First of all I had the most wonderful dinner last night that was shadowed only by the company I shared it with.
Cajon food is one of my all time favorites and Kristin is one of my all time favorite girls.
I’ve missed her so much and I think that we will not go so long without being in touch from now on.
Plus, I ordered my ticket to Margaret Cho’s live show in Tulsa in March and two weeks after that Tori will be playing the same venue! Tickets have not gone on sale for it yet but I think seeing two of my goddesses live in the same month might make my poor little gay head explode!
It makes me moist just to think about it….. !!!!!!!!!!
I’m so glowing that I can’t even type anymore right now.

2003-01-30T21:37:00.000-06:00

Today I was very angry at one point. Then, I remembered all that I have in life that brings me joy. It was definitely a lesson in mind over matter. “God damn right, it’s a beautiful day”
I started a new aerobics class today and the instructor is kick ass. At least, she definitely worked mine! However, I did keep pace with her for the full hour so she best kick it up a notch or two in the coming classes. Will & Grace was good tonight and poignant for some reason. Are we MO’s really that vain? I hope not. I’m just a boy, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love me.
I was heckled today by strangers and that hasn’t happened in some time. Not for any reason really. They were kids, and I’m sure they were bored while waiting for their mother to come out of the store. Still, it was odd and I think bitches needs to keep they kids in check before I have to!
Kiss it girl.

On a lighter note. Tomorrow night I have dinner plans with my Kristen. Ahh, I’ve missed her so and I have so many months of excitement to fill her in on.

2003-01-29T11:27:00.000-06:00

My homage to Liz Smith:

A certain rocker with a fondness for smashing guitars was kicked out of a local club this weekend for inappropriate behavior. To him I say. If the club does not offer a back room, it is not appropriate to try and create your own. Luckily, the entourage he came with was near the door and was able to prevent our loved rocker from being stranded on the streets with his gal of the moment.

It has come to my attention from one Asian in the know, that a former class acquaintance that, at the time, was in a committed, legal domestic partnership is finding trouble in paradise. Apparently, he and another classmate thought they could get together for a little extra curricular activity. Too bad class was already over. Can a grade be changed once the trust is gone? I hope so.

And, overheard in a crowded hallway, a certain dr. evil was spotted at an oceanic club in town this weekend and was making himself chummy with a dear friend of mine. Going so far as to recommend which bar tender makes the best LIT. This writer certainly doesn’t want to share his bar stool with one who is known not for his good deeds, for sure. Sorry, light of my life. Perhaps we will have to find some other local to watch the likes of rupaul, or do you think we can summon strength to resist the death star.

May the force be with you.

So what do you think folks, should I quit my day job?

2003-01-25T22:31:00.000-06:00

A lot of people think it's odd that I really don't mind spending nights at home on the weekend. I most certainly could go out if I wanted to. I had several invites, but the fact of the matter is I like to stay home sometimes. My weeks are generally so busy that by the time I get home I don't really want to do anytype of house work or anything and I work on saturday and sunday days so that knocks them out. I don't mind spending a sat. evening catching up on my laundry and cleaning and ironing. Sure, I'll have a few glasses of wine or a cocktail while I get my life in order for the week ahead and that's okay with moi. I guess someone to share this time with would be nice, but I like to have a little bit of space for myself too. I interact with so many people everyday that I need some quiet time for myself every now and then. I don't know, maybe I'm weird. That's just me.

I had dinner tonight with Dad, Pam, Rhonda and my dad's good friend Wayne who he has known since their days in med school. It's nice to know that friendships really can last a lifetime. It gives me hope for the special people in my life.

Here's a minor gripe for the day, textbooks, huh, what are they good for? Absolutely nothing. I mean, yes, a course should definately have a text, but in this electronic age we are living in shouldn't they just be available online. I know that this would render an entire industry useless, but progress has to happen at some point. Actuall books could be available for those who desire them and/or do not have constant access to an internet service. However, the rest of us could access the works online for a small fee. I think this is ingenious, plus it would save me a couple of hundred bucks a semester. Besides I always end up selling the texts back at the end of the class and the reimbursment is laughable at best.
So I say this to you institutes of higher education; GET WITH THE PROGRAM and GIMME A BREAK IN THE BANK ACCOUNT!

2003-01-24T11:23:00.000-06:00

Today I'm saddened by the passing of Ms. Carter. She's taking her break now, and it was much deserved. I was always a big fan of hers and I'll miss her presence on this earth.

I'm am glad that today is friday. Not that it really means anything at all seeing as how I do have to work tomorrow and I don't have any plans for tonight except for and overwhelmingly large amount of ironing that I have been ignoring for the past two weeks. Perhaps I will get that done this afternoon, perhaps not.

Just a comment to the world out there, be nicer. It’s not that hard and there are so many people doing bad things in our world right now, that it’s up to us to change the tide. It is my personal belief that the only way to combat evil is with goodness and random acts of kindness. So hold open a door today, help someone with a heavy package, or just be the first to smile and say hello. It makes the world a better place to be.

2003-01-22T21:26:00.000-06:00

OKAY! Let's go team, how funky is your chicken, how funky is your.....
All that really means is that I am actually awake while typing this. Yesterday just completely wore me out bitch. So Yoga today was awesome, I had been kind of slacking lately and not really pushing myself mentally or my body physically. However, one session with my yoga goddess, mere mortals know her as Liz, and I am back on track. Super. Plus, I actually went to my Mass Comm class today (yeah, monday just wasn't really working for me) and there are several cute guys that will help my 12:10 class go along a lot smoother. Is it just me and my super ridiculous ways, or is it really so much easier to go to a class if there is eye candy and potential suitors? Did I just type the word suitor? Are Kelly and Joey right? Is it possible I'm turning into an old woman? I do have a friend named Merle and what some might call an over fondness of hard candy. Hmmm, scary? Yes.

American Idol is back for a second go around. I did tell myself that I was going to try and watch it this season so I sat down tonight and watched maybe five minutes. I just can't get into it. It's not that I'm overly annoyed by it or anything. It just doesn't grab me. If I were drunk or stoned it might be a lot funnier perhaps. As is, I just can't sit through it. It's not alone, by no means; there are few shows on that I can actually sit down and watch. I always seem to have something else that needs to be done.

Last night when I returned home (after ten thirty and I had left the house at eight in the morning..boo..) I discovered a thirty pack of beer on my doorstep. There wasn't a note or anything. It was truly odd. I did take it inside, who am I to deny a gift from the beer fairy, I just found out she/he existed. It was super nice and as I still do not know where it came from, and I'm not dead from it, I would like to send a thank you out into the universe. Maybe it will reach this mysterious person in the form of a kindness from a stranger as well. Karma; like it, love it, live it.

2003-01-21T23:37:00.000-06:00

I've neglected my blog for a few days now, but I have been super busy. The weekend was so hectic. My social schedule hasn't been so full in ages. Two parties and then a recap over sushi and bloody mary's sunday afternoon before a movie with Amber. I think I'm really going to enjoy this semester. All of my classes seem like they will be fun and that always helps the semester go by quickly. I can't wait until friday, I will have MONEY!! It's always a good thing.. I feel like I'm just pointlessly meandering through this post, but I'm so tired. I was up at six this morning to do yoga before school and I am working in the lab until ten on tuesday nights this semester. It tends to make trent a very sleepy boy.
Learning QuarkExpress which is so fun and soon I will be unstoppable!
Heard of The Streets? No? Run, don't walk to your local record store and snatch it up. It's totally worth it. Plus, keep your eyes peeled for the new Erasure albu

2003-01-18T10:47:00.000-06:00

"I was in the bathroom with some French girl, and I couldn't find the light switch so i was going to have to pee in the dark. She was like trying to fix her make-up and I had to lean over and ask, are you gonno pee?"

2003-01-16T23:30:00.000-06:00

Today I was totally thrown for a loop.
In the fall of 1997 I met someone who I had known only by name for several years. For two and a half years it was like I had my very own fairy god mother.. no, make that my own Auntie Mame.
My mother's divorce attny was Anita Sanders. I had heard this name for years but never knew a face to put with it. In the fall of '97 my mom worked it out so that I would do some work for Anita, she was in the process of moving, in return it would count towards mom's bill. Kind of an endentured servatude, if you will. So, I helped Anita with packing and sorting that evening and a few after that. On one night in particular we worked pretty late and she invited me to have dinner with her mother and good friend Bill. It was an amazing evening. Dinner at Lido, a fabulous asian cuisine, dessert and cappuchinos at a small bistro named cheever's. I was in shock. I, a young man of sixteen just recognizing his homosexuality and here I was having a night out on the town with this fabuous woman. In those first few days of knowing one another I think something really clicked, a bond of sorts. Maybe she just recognized something within myself that even I could not see at the time. Maybe the stars just happened to be aligned a certain way that month. Maybe is was luck, perhaps just convienence and free labor for her? I don't know. One thing led to another and I was helping her get her new home ready for moving in, painting, cleaning, etc. Time passed and I began working for Anita full time, well, sort of full time. I was still in high school at the time and I never had a clearly defined job. Personally, I referred to myself as a personal assistant. I did some time at the office, little stuff, filing, research, errands. She entrusted me with small personal matters, taking and picking up clothes from the dry cleaners, buying groceries, buying clothing storage units, returning clothes to the mall, making OBGYN appointments, taking her to and picking her up from out patient surgery on her arm. ( The funniest shopping experience ever was taking her to Borders books and music, I thought it wasn't a good idea but she insisted we go!) She even let me drive her beamer a time or two. None of these small tasks compared to when she entrusted me with her child. Tyler was in elementary school and one of the coolest kids I have ever met. Bear in mind that being a sixteen year old I was not really thrilled at the idea of carting around a twelve year old! Tyler was different though. I think a lot of it comes with having a single, working mother as a parent. He could totally carry on a conversation. I would tell him about my day and he would tell me about his. I helped him with his homework and made sure he had something to eat before I took him to gymnastics. One time half way to the gym he realized he had forgotten shorts and we had to run into wal mart to buy some and we couldn't find any his size. I litterally had to tie them around his waist so they would stay up! It was hilarious and chaotic, but it was fun and I remember those days fondly. I tried to teach Tyler what it meant to be honest, respectful and most of all, that even though his mom wasn't around a lot it didn't mean that she didn't love him, she was just trying to make the best life she could for both of them. I think, like most children of single parents, myself included, that he had a lot of resentment for the amount of time and dedication it took to be an attourney running your own business. I tried to make him see past that. I don't know if I contributed anyting at all to the type of person he will become, but I hope I did. All through those years I learned so much. Anita taught me how to go after my wants and my goals and acheive them. She taught me style, taste, cuisine. Hell, she even taught me how to dress. I learned so much.
I went on a trip to Europe with my French teacher the summer before my senior year and I talked to Anita from a pay phone at the airport right before I left. That was the summer of 1999. I hadn't talked to her since, until today.
I don't know what happened, I really don't. I tried to call Anita when i got back and never got a return. I even went to her office to deliver the gifts I had bought for her and Tyler. Still, no contact. I heard from a secretary that she liked the gifts, but that was all.
A while later I heard she had remarried. I was really happy for her. She deserved love. I was a little hurt I wasn't invited to the wedding, but stuff happens. Weeks turned into months, months into years, and so on and so on. I never really forgot about her or Tyler, I actually thought about them all the time. The first six months of not working for her was hard. It was like part of my life had been cut out. They were my family, and they were gone. I grieved and I moved on. Then today, I get slapped in the face with the past. Tyler is in high school now, Anita has long hair and blond highlights. Times change and so do people I suppose. Its hard though, to know someone for so long, you follow the same path and then somehow there's a fork in the road. You don't even have a say in it put the path forks and you go separate ways. Thus, is life. I'm glad I saw her today, even though it brought up old pains. I'm happy to know she's healthy and doing well and that Tyler is becoming a fine young man. I wish them my best as they continue on their journey and I hope they feel the same.

2003-01-15T13:22:00.000-06:00

I’ve noticed that several other bloggers have made posts that list 100 things about themselves. I think this is a super nifty idea, so here goes.

1.My name is Trent
2.I am 21
3.I was born in Oklahoma City
4.I am a homosexual
5.I don’t like any food with raisons in it, but I do like raisons
6.I am a student studying advertising and public relations
7.I am an avid reader
8.I have only been blogging for a few months
9.I love Vogue
10.My parents are divorced
11.I have three brothers
12.Three nephews
13.Four nieces
14.My father is a osteopathic doctor
15.My mother is an elementary school teacher
16.I came out of the closet at sixteen
17.I like Brussels sprouts
18.I do yoga everyday
19.I am weary of long distance runners
20.I like Tori Amos very much
21.I like to go to concerts
22.My favorite concerts have been Tori Amos in 1999 and Cyndi Lauper in 2002
23.I read the New York Times online everyday
24.I like yellow M&M’s the best
25.I have many acquaintances
26.I have a handful of very close and much loved friends
27.My favorite cocktail is a gin and tonic with a twist of lime
28.I like to perform in live theater
29.I don’t get to perform as often as I would like
30.I’m in love with Rupert Everett
31.I think Donna Karan is a genius
32.I think Oprah should be president
33.I believe that Barbra Streisand can do no wrong
34.I don’t like one night stands
35.I travel to Dallas for concerts often
36.I have traveled abroad twice
37.Sometimes I get blue
38.When I was little I wanted to be Mary Poppins
39.I also wanted to be a country superstar
40.My aspirations have changed
41.I thought I was in love once
42.I realized it wasn’t true
43.I have always had cats as pets
44.I have developed an allergy to cats
45.I have spent one night in jail
46.I have vowed to never spend another night in jail
47.In high school I worked in an adult toy store
48.I think Isaac Mizrahi is brilliant
49.I wish I could speak French more fluently
50.I had a compound fracture in my right elbow in fifth grade
51.I could see my bone sticking out of my arm
52.I prefer blue cheese dressing over ranch
53.I have more clothes than I need
54.My favorite Christmas cartoon is Opus the Penguins-A wish for wings that work
55.I like to play board games… a lot
56.I make myself laugh too often
57.I sing really loud in the car
58.I am a democrat
59.I have spent a week at a real working ranch
60.I think I once met the reincarnated spirit of Truman Capote
61.I think Poppy Z. Brite is underrated as a novelist
62.I listen to Depeche Mode and The Cure when I’m blue
63.I believe Mary J Blige is the Queen of soul
64.I have quit smoking for months at a time
65.I always start back
66.I work well under pressure
67.I can play the piano
68.I like to write poetry
69.I don’t think it’s very good
70.I would like to right a play this year
71.Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey is my favorite flavor of ice cream
72.I am crafty
73.I played soccer
74.I have had every color of red hair imaginable, plus orange and purple
75.I want an audi
76.I listen to NPR on my car radio
77.Jem and The Holograms was my favorite cartoon as a child
78.I watch Breakfast At Tiffanies every time it is on television
79.I worry a lot
80.I believe in a higher power
81.I think adults should spend more time in sandboxes
82.I am most like Monica on Friends
83.I want thinner thighs
84.I try to learn something new everyday
85.I just can’t get into Phish
86.Cashews are my favorite nut
87.I am a neat freak
88.I think Tom Ford oozes sex in every aspect of his life
89.Margaret Cho makes me laugh so hard I pee my pants
90.I fart, a lot
91.I like soy milk better than regular milk
92.I think Stephen Sondheim is a genius
93.I like to spend time with myself
94.I love to get my boogey on down
95.Halloween is my favorite holiday
96.Dorothy Parker is mad genius
97.I like to cook
98.I’ve waited tables and I liked it
99.I want to be a dad one day
100.I want to find true love

2003-01-15T02:12:00.000-06:00

In pre-school, I remember things being genderless. I don't know if that is universal or if perhaps that was one of the instructor’s goals at the private "progressive" arts oriented school I attended. Boys and girls alike made beaded necklaces, homemade ice cream in coffee cans, and saw stage productions. I also remember the kitchen play area being a favorite of everyone. Life seems like it was pretty uncomplicated then and no one was specifically imposing on us certain constructs. It was later in elementary school, probably third grade, that I became aware that I was different. I was an overweight child and I had soft facial features, my voice was a little higher than most and all of my friends were girls. "Are you a boy or a girl?" I heard this taunt more times than I care to admit.-- "I laugh because if I don't I would cry."-- By this time, I knew I was not like all of the other boys. I knew that I actually liked other boys instead of girls like I was supposed to. My feelings were confirmed by the embarrassing pre-pubesant erections I would get while watching Mtv. It was the late eighties; George Michael and the boys of Duran Duran were the stuff wet dreams were made of. The questions of my gender, and my own knowledge that I was attracted to men were overwhelming. I didn't know any gay men. I didn't even know the word gay or what it meant. All I knew was that I was not like other boys. Did this mean that I was a woman? I was almost certain that I was a boy. I had a penis, but that was the only thing that I knew for fact. It was a very confusing, conflicting, pain filled childhood. In junior high, after I had reached puberty, stopped eating and exercised relentlessly, plus the help of a no longer legal prescription drug, the question of my gender ceased to be asked. Puberty had lowered my voice, some, and the starvation had caused my features to become sharper and more "masculine" in my mind. Now, the taunts I received solely focused on my sexuality. Faggot and queer I heard often, repeatedly, every day of my life. I denied this, of course, mainly out of fear. I didn't really have friends to begin with since I was living in a town far from where I had grown up, and I didn't think the revelation of my fierce queerness would necessarily send people flocking to me in numbers. Keep in mind this is Lawton, Oklahoma I'm talking about which is not the worlds most progressive town. So, I remained quite within my shell. Part of the problem, in retrospect, was that I grew up with out gay role models, no one to identify with myself. Ellen was making great strides on television at the time, but the only gay man on that show was a small bit player and usually the butt of the joke. I even did community theater and, while I think back I'm sure that some of the other men were homosexual, none of them made that known to me. It was a very lonely time and place for a teenage gay boy and, like so many others traveling down that road, there were times when I contemplated the ultimate and permanent way of dealing with things. I had a large bottle of prescription painkillers that I had found after my mother had recovered from a surgery. I used to keep them under my bed and pull them out when I was really feeling down and just stare at them. --" I cry because if I didn't I would laugh"-- Two miraculous things happened to me the summer before my sophomore year in high school. First, I moved from Lawton and the tyranny of a stepfather who saw me as little more than a burden, back to the town where I had grown up. Secondly, the movie My Best Friends Wedding was released. Finally, I saw on the screen someone with whom I could relate. Rupert Everett, besides being completely sexy, played a gay man that was intelligent, witty, loved, happy and successful. I finally saw a homosexual man being portrayed positively. He was the type of gay man that I wanted to be. I remember sitting in the darkened theater with my mother and feeling, for the first time, pride within myself. That movie gave me the strength I needed to begin the process of coming out of the closet. That year in school, I met Shane. Shane was an openly gay senior and we became inseparable. As soon as I turned sixteen he took me out to all the gay clubs on thirty ninth street. Well, the ones that I could get into at least. We would just meet people and laugh and dance our asses off all night. It was so thrilling, like being born again or finally feeling alive after sixteen dreadfully long years. After that there was no stopping me I guess. I was out, loud and proud. Life didn't become easier and the next three years of high school certainly was no walk in the park. I suffered at the hands of my peers and the administration running my school. I was able to rise above all of it though, because I had come full circle. I knew my gender, I knew my sexuality, I knew myself, and most important of all, I liked what I knew.

I found this essay; I had written it quite some while ago. It sounds so hopeful, so determined. It seems as though I had so much figured out when it was written. I like finding these things; they're a glimpse of myself from the past. It’s also neat to note how much else I've learned since then, how much I continue to learn. I realize now that the circle is still not complete and may never be, but that's the joy of the journey.

2003-01-14T22:48:00.000-06:00

just a quickie!
Dug out my old tape of madonna's like a prayer. MAN that album rocks my tush off!!!
Second, I just saw a movie with my darling fabulous Parker Posey. Party Girl is a must see flick

2003-01-13T13:35:00.000-06:00

For those who don't know, in the event I haven't mentioned it previously, I work in the library at my school. Right now, as I type this, a guy who is in here often and is completely insane, is explaining to my boss how the CIA is behind all of the porn email spam he receives and how they always come like “clockwork every two weeks.” I’m telling you folks, it takes all kinds to make the world go ‘round. ALL KINDS!

2003-01-12T18:21:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking of pain a lot lately. No, it's not that tragic really. I'm not hidden away in my darkened room listening to depeche mode and crying. I've just been pondering it, that's all. What strikes me, as so confounding is that we all feel so alone in our pain? When we're down and feeling bad, really feeling bad, about actions, statements, people, whatever else a person can feel bad about it's always ten times worse because you feel like the world has abandoned you. Here's the thing though, there's really no need to feel so solitary at all. Pain is universal. Everyone has their own story and their own tragedies but the pain we all feel is cut from the same tree. The details change and become rearranged but the hurt is equal. I think, for myself, when I'm feeling blue I'm going to do my best to remember this. I will know that other people out there are in pain too and that together we will all overcome it.

2003-01-12T17:45:00.000-06:00

WARNING: nothing of prolific interest.
My plans to stay in last night and get lots of zzz’s for my first day back at the job but alas the fair mistress that is Amber called to get me to come to her party. I’m glad I went after all. The party was fun, lots of cute guys, met Brent he was a cutie and seemed nice. It was fun listening to him and his friend do a point/counterpoint over a guy whose sexuality was ambiguous at the least. I was quite proud of myself for not going overboard on the drink, unlike some people I could mention who kept me awake until six AM with horrendous drunken piano playing! ARRGH! I totally overslept but somehow made it to work in time and now I’m just wishing I had some dinner because my tum is grumbling and I don’t get out of here for another two hours!

Listening to Weezer

2003-01-10T13:25:00.000-06:00

!WOW! What a night in Tulsa town. I met Amber's fabulously wonderful friend Audrey. Amber and Audrey met this past summer when they both did a study abroad program in France. It was kind of creepy because she IS the female version of moi! She does throw a lovely party however. Food for days, bottled water and "other"drinks everywhere, and even her mother made an appearance or two, who by the way was quite delightful as well. No cute gay boys, big shocker, but I did meet a gal named Heather who is twenty seven and has an eighteen month old little boy named Ivan and she and I hit it off right away. I thought she was great, she thought I was great, it was an all around love fest. It so weird going to these random parties where you don't know anyone but they all know one another, you feel almost like your back in high school again because in all truth some of the attendees were a little cliquey. Today I'm nursing a slight headache, but all will be better because it's payday and I'm going to see Harry Potter this afternoon

2003-01-08T23:29:00.000-06:00

Even in a hair salon you can't forget you're in the middle of a vast redneck eutopia. Quotes from a day at the salon. "you can drop a load if you want." (in reference to a bathroom request) and "I haven't seen you in a 'coons age." Classy, ain't we?

I had the most bizaaaarrree dream last night. Mtv was doing a new reality show. Kind of like road rules and I was chosen as a player. Only there was no winny to ride around in and there was only one task. Myself and random others had to make it from one side of the gobi desert to the other. Well, in my dream apparently I had forgot the day I was supposed to leave and had gone out that night because I was picked up by my castmates and the producers and I was dressed up in going out garb, all my money was gone save twenty dollars and I was pretty drunk. I couldn't convince the producers to take me home to get supplies and more appropriate attire but I got them to stop at a gas station and I bought a carton of ciggs. When asked why I said to my castmates "I'll die happy, hot, sunburnt, and happy."
Does this mean something???

2003-01-06T21:39:00.000-06:00

Two great movies in twenty four hours. The first was You Can Count On Me. This film was spectacular in presenting its message of self worth and the need to be grounded to someone or somewhere or something. Beautiful, really a beautiful story and great performances by all. Second, an older one I know, Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss, what a cute flic. I think Sean Hayes really is a good actor and I know it's a campy little film but I thought it was done in a funny and yet touching kind of way. Reminded me a lot about myself actually, wierd that a gay film would do that, huh? :-P
Anywho, nothing else exciting to report, one step closer to finalizing the internship for the summer.
I feel like such a sloth because I haven't caught any news for the past several days. YIKES! I'm so uninformed right now.

2003-01-05T01:09:00.000-06:00

I hope that somebody else was able to catch the re run of SNL tonight. Besides having the finger lickin' fine Matt Damon, it also was the episode that has Mya Rudolph doing the commercial for Donatella Versace "HOT POCKETS" the frozen food for celebrities who still want to eat crap but pay more for it. In all seriousness, it's side splittingly funny. I love it!
On another television note, how great is BBC America? Moms just got digital cable so I'm getting all of the BBC I can when at her casa.
I had an awesome work out today, thirty minutes each of aerobics and yoga and ten on the nordic, and "a sensible dinner"
blah, blah,
Actually, I'm really proud that I'm sticking with this being the best I can be stuff, I think being the best one can has a lot to do with self esteem and body image and self knowledge. By facing and tearing down all the barriers I place on myself I'm able to reach new heights. At least that's what I'm attempting!
Also, I just opened an accout on gay.com, why, I ask am I so behind on everything!

2003-01-03T19:57:00.000-06:00

Dear reader; today I was able to get my car back. The excitement is not so immense that I am bursting, but it does bring to mind the enormous feeling of freedom I first felt when I turned sixteen. I was a young gay teenager trapped in an ass backwards oklahoma town and my license was a key to life. Having my own car gave me a way to get into the city on my own, explore the gay clubs and bars and see what it was like to associate with other gay people besides Shane. Speaking of which, I miss you brother. A little off track there but I have been sentimental with all of the holiday hoopla. So I can drive again and again I can explore. I have a different map now and the night lights aren't quite as bright but the excitement of a teenager still remains somewhere in my being.

On another note. For the new year I decided that I was going to put forth great effort to be the best Trent that I can be. This means, eating better, exercising, losing weight, toning, stopping the nasty smoking habbit, drinking less, being more responsible in my actions and focusing more on my future, i.e. school and career. So far I'm doing pretty good. I've started a new exercise routine and I've been running a mile a day, of course it's only been three days. However, every habit has it's starting point. I think this is the start of some healthy habits for a change.

2003-01-02T15:07:00.000-06:00

First of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR to all, if any, readers I may have. Second, I haven't been writing do to the past couple of weeks I affectionately call a tornado from hell.
So, in a effort of great boredom, I will try to recap the hellodays.

I thought I was never going to get back from my trip. We hit horrible weather on the way home and were delayed for about two hours straight. It sucked big time. Other than the traveling woes the trip was much fun. I enjoyed getting to see family members I hadn't seen in a long time. I especially enjoyed hanging out with my cousin Todd. Toddy if by some freak chance you're reading this, what's up, I really enjoyed all of the board games you brought!

Moving on, I got home late monday evening, unpacked, packed and left again for my mother's house. She had recently moved and hadn't unpacked her house yet and she was having christmas eve dinner at her house the following day. One of the benefits of having a gay son, I suppose, is that you can depend on him to unpack and decorate a three bedroom house, put up a christmas tree, wrap presents for eight grandchildren and cook a meal for twelve people in twenty four hours or less. Merry Christmas Mom.

Christmas Day was another family fiasco at Dad's house. It was okay, I got drunk and did much less work!

The next few days were a blur but I made it through to new years eve at which I became insanely drunk and sang mary j blige songs kari"okie" stye in a barn full of hill billies!
My sister in law, Tina, decided in her drunken state it was the perfect time to ask me about my sexuality. I wonder if she'll remember?

My first day of 2003 was exciting, I helped put out a bon fire that got out of control and set an entire yard on fire, I called the fire station! I burnt my hand slightly and I had a major hang over from the night before topped with vast amounts of smoke from the fire and I had already had enough of 2003! I spent the rest of the day and most of today wrapped up in sweatshirt and pajama pants, reading, surfing, and generally trying to enjoy what's left of my break from school.

Once again, Happy New Year to all, may it be one of your best.

2002-12-18T12:57:00.000-06:00

GPA for the fall 2002 semester.....4.0 BABY!
I'm so pumped; this is the best semester I've had so far in my college career. High five to me!!!

On another note. I will be going out of town tomorrow to spend five days with the family in Illinois. Yikes, I was supposed to be staying in a hotel but now it seems I will be bunking at an aunt's house along with nine other relatives. Please pray for my sanity. I will update my blog if I can find a computer while I'm away.
until then,
Farewell all!

2002-12-17T11:20:00.000-06:00

I found this quote on a web site and I don't know who deserves the credit but it made me laugh so hard that I had to share/steel it!

"we ate more food in one night than a human should be allowed to consume. at one point i was making chicken fried steak sandwiches and wondering if buttered bread with mayo was going to kill me. it didn't but i felt like i shit a small barn animal the next morning."

2002-12-16T10:44:00.000-06:00

The Get Up Kids ROCKED. It was a great show and I loved it. The only sad thing was that I felt so old. By no means am I OLD, but the crowd consisted mainly of little emo boys and girls in their cutest little garb and they all seemed so much younger than myself. I mean all these cute guys with their messed up pomade hair, small framed glasses and messenger bags and I couldn't even bring myself to hit on any of them because I knew it would be criminal! ARGGH! the frustration was intense. So, to counter this I just drank a lot of beer. However, the sight of someone wearing the regulation wristband and drinking a beer soon sends underage girls flocking to you wanting you to buy some for them. Alas, if only the boys had the nerve. After the show much drama ensued. We went to the HILO were Lou and I preceded to get into a horrendous fight, over what, I can remember but she can't and we've made up now so it's better to just move on. These things happen when you get incredibly stubborn people and throw in a lot of beer. I did get pissed off and leave, which in hindsight was not such a grand idea, it was cold, raining, and me without a car. I walked for a while and cooled off and called for a ride from a payphone. While waiting I was offered crack to buy, twice. Ahh, Oklahoma City, how grand, such class, ahh. The rest of my weekend was swell, got much done. Why is every one of David Sedaris's books on loan from the library? I had planned to make one or two of them my reading for the holidays but they're all gone! I know, I know, I should just go and buy them myself, but come on; I'm a poor college student.
Great article on Mo right here: http://www.madonnapower.com/news/fullarticle.asp?newsid=1531

2002-12-11T10:50:00.000-06:00

I haven’t written in a few days. I haven’t known what to write. Since my friends murder is seems trivial to be spilling my little life out on the web. I’m going to the funeral on sat. with some of my classmates. We’re going to present her family with some of the discussion board postings she had contributed throughout the semester and her body image project she did. I don’t know if these things will mean anything to them, but I think it will help us cope some with our grieving.
On a much, way, way, WAY more mucho grande, happy note. I’m going to see the get up kids on Thursday night. They’re playing here and tickets are only 15$. I really pumped about this. I think it will be a show that is just the pick me up I need.

2002-12-08T19:27:00.000-06:00

I felt numb most of the day yesterday so when Mrs. A called to see if I wanted to go out, I was more than willing. I had a decent time. The fact that she drug my white ass to some lame-o-rama of a party is forgiven. The party really was awful though, some girl she works with who supposedly has no taste in people, boyfriends or home decorating. Where on earth do these people come from. That's really more of a rhetorical question since the people I spoke of I know were for the most part, from Noble. Another example of why Oklahoma sucks a whole lot, I see society progressing sometimes and then it's totally thrown in my face when I walk into a party and I have to overhear some dumbass, I fuck my sister and married my cousin - jerry springer reject say "Queers are here"
Seriously, Fuck off bitch!

2002-12-07T20:01:00.000-06:00

Death is not a stranger to me. I've sat next to death. I've held her drink at the bar while she danced. I've laughed at her dirty jokes. Today death visits me in a way I've never seen her before.
One of my favorite classes this semester has been women's studies. It's a small class, very intimate, most of our time is spent doing group discussion over topics we've read about. That class cannot and will not ever be the same. A beautiful woman, a sincere person, a wife, a mother, a grandmother, my classmate, Fonda, was murdered last night. I've never known a life that was so viciously and senselessly ended. My heart is heavy with grief and although I only had the chance to know her briefly in this lifetime, I will always remeber her and keep her family in my thoughts. I hope oneday our soul's paths will cross again.

2002-12-06T20:46:00.000-06:00

Good night out last night, I think the bartender at the HILO is the cutest guy ever! If by some crazy chance you read my blog Chris, drop me a line you hunka hunka man! I'm a goober I know, but now that it's out of my system I can carry on with some normalcy.
Watched movies all day today and napped
American Psycho: the books better but christian bale butt is so yummy.(pause/rewind/play/pause/rewind/play ;-)
Celebrity: I love woody allen movies and I think this one's great, it's no annie hall or small time crooks but I laugh all the same and I have always had a thing for kenneth branagh.
listening to:
The Verve-Urban Hymns
Natalie Merchant-live in concert (how great is her cover of bowie's space oddity)
COMPANY-broadway cast album

On another note,I think I may start therapy.

2002-12-05T14:47:00.000-06:00

A side note.
Have lately been listening to Cyndi Lauper's album Sisters of Avalon. What's that you say? You've never heard of such an album? Well, it was released mid 90's and flopped. The record company didn't support it and the radio didn't give it much play. They wanted another Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, but that's not where Cyndi was at in her life. What you get instead is an album that's well put togeather with thoughtful lyrics and great music. I say it's a must for anyone who truly appreciates good music!

2002-12-05T14:43:00.000-06:00

I went to court today, if you are so intrigued that you just have to know the details, you could always email me. I might tell ya, maybe not. Anyhow, turns out everything is going well. I didn’t get to go before the judge today, it’s been postponed until January, but the deal I’m getting is super terrific and nothing will even go on my record after two years.
Also, I’m so almost done with school that I’m beaming. All I have left to do is take one final and give one presentation! YAHOO! I don’t know what I’ll be doing for my break. A little light traveling I hope, avoiding the malls at all costs, and trying not to kill myself after I’ve heard every Christmas song known to man for the five hundredth time.
The first snow and ice storm came the other day here in Oklahoma and like it happens every year, several people were without electricity for a while. On the radio this morning on my way into town one of the local morning personalities was giving tips about what to do if you were unfortunate enough to wake up with no power. One of the high points ( and funniest seeing as how no one was hurt) was a reminder that generators should only be run outside. Apparently, some family started one up in their house last year. Pure GENIOUS, only in Oklahoma, right? For anyone that might be reading, do not run gas-powered machinery that gives off exhaust inside your home. That is unless you truly are trying to kill yourself!

2002-12-03T15:20:00.000-06:00

Three term papers submitted, one A that I know of. One PR presentation to finish, I get my crash course in power point tomorrow! One architectural photography project to finish and turn in by Friday. All of this and yet I’m strangely calm. Perhaps the calmness comes with some of the decisions I’ve made in my life lately about my integrity and how I plan to execute this small amount of time here on Earth that we’re all given? And, then again, maybe it’s because I continually am drawn to, and have repeatedly listened to this song:
"For you, there’ll be no more crying
For you, the sun will be shining
And I feel that when I’m with you
It’s all right, I know it’s right

To you, I’ll give the world
To you, I’ll never be cold
‘cause I feel that when I’m with you
it’s all right, I know it’s right

and the songbirds are singing
like they know the score
and I love you, I love you, I love you
like never before

and I wish you all the love in the world
but most of all, I wish it for myself

and the songbirds keep singing
like they know the score
and I love you, I love you, I love you
like never before, like never before"

Could this song be any prettier? Could it be more enchanting to see Christine singing it on an empty stage at the piano with a single light on her? I think we should all play this song, not as a loving tribute to someone else, but to ourselves. We deserve it, all of us.

2002-12-02T12:48:00.000-06:00

Morning work rant:
I know that technically I’m in an industry that can be considered a service industry, but don’t all services have their limits? When I was a waiter I certainly had my fare share of needy customers, however, never, not even once did one ask me to eat their dinner. Following this logic, why would someone think they could come into a computer lab and have a lab tech write their paper for them? I understand having troubles when typing something. I myself am not really a whiz on computers, but I know enough to get the job done and with trial and error I can usually figure out stuff I can’t do. It’s different though when you’re doing something like this for yourself, and when you’re doing it for some stranger who doesn’t even politely ask you, they just stand back and expect you to do it. COME ON PEOPLE! If you don’t know how to use a computer program, take a class; find a friend to explain it. Hell, use a typewriter, just leave me alone!

2002-12-01T17:38:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving has come and gone again. I really don’t like this holiday for several reasons, the top two being that; it celebrates the coming of the Europeans to this continent which led to the systematic slaughter and nearly complete wiping out of the NATIVE American people, and the gluttony that occurs is atrocious. I also don’t like this holiday because of all the family hoopla that traditionally ensues. Both of my parents want to see me, but neither of them wants me to see the other or else they certainly don’t want to help me balance the two in anyway.

Enough about that, I did have a splendid time with OKC’s steak house hostess with the mostess. A birthday bash, drinks at HILO, and an after party attended by cute looking “Rivers Cuomo” guy who I thought was interested, at least seemed so at the bar, but completely ignored me while at the party. His loss. More importantly the guy who I thought was a total hottie that I had been affectionately calling a flying monkey at the bar was seemingly returning my flirtatious nature at the party but all went awry when his wife came into the picture. Maybe I was misinterpreting his signals or maybe they were both looking to spice up their bed with moi. I don’t go there honey, I don’t do pie unless I get one hell of an expensive dinner first, bitch!

2002-12-01T16:55:00.000-06:00

New Year's resolutions: a month early.
1. Must stop neglecting blog
2. Must find perfect studio appt.
3. Must enroll for spring classes
4. Must stop spending all my time listening to this fabulous 80's station brought to my attention by, keithers blog!
http://www.club977.com/
St. Elmo's fire burns forever!

2002-11-06T17:17:00.000-06:00

Voting: It would have been much more timely to have written this post yesterday, but alas I am merely one man/child. I think voting is terribly important and I think casting informed votes is even more important. Too many people do not take the time to research candidates and questions and many people merely vote according to who has the most signs along the highway. This is not a safe way to cast one's ballot, example: In Oklahoma¡¦s election there was a state question on banning cock fighting, to vote yes meant that you did not believe this was a form of entertainment, that it was cruel and should be banned. To vote no on this issue meant that you enjoy watching these animals destroy one another. However, many of the signs I saw simply stated "cock fighting, vote NO" to the uninformed voter it would appear that voting no meant to ban. Luckily this measure was passed and many roosters will live to see another day. Oklahoma is notorious for wording it's state questions in a manner that would make anyone scratch their head and say "huh?¡¨ We are lucky to have the right to vote in this country whether or not you really feel your vote counts or not, there are many arguments for and against. I hear a lot of dissent because people don't feel anyone is worth voting for and I won't argue. I often find myself having to choose the lesser of two evils, but even if you don't necessarily like whom you're voting for you can at least use it as a way to vote against someone. Exercise your right, one day you might not be able to. Ber, you know better!

2002-11-04T15:49:00.000-06:00

GENESIS: so to speak.
He was born, "where the wind goes sweepin' down the plane, and the waiving wheat can sure smell sweet".
Up he grew both thick and thin.
Troubles and triumphs he has and will meet.
This is my blog.
Where to begin.
We'll pick up right in the middle and I'll try to fill you in.